Listening in…
ARTICLE BY MICHAEL HARRISON
Its midday and Mike Edwards opens the door to Klopp’s office and breezes in. Out in the corridor can be heard singing ” we are the champions my friend, we’ll keep on fighting to the end”
“Hi Jurgen how are things?”
“Fine thanks Mike” says Klopp pulling the lid off a tub of Nivea skin cream “what’s that horrible singing in the corridor?”
” Oh that, that’s just Mo motivating himself again, he’s thinking of introducing it to mosque prayers on Friday but I advised against it and told him it might be misconstrued by some” “Probably wise Mike. Do you want a beer? There’s one over there in the chiller. What can I do for you?” Edwards gets himself a beer and pours it astonished by the big pile of froth on top. He picks up a dinner knife.
“STOP!!” Klopp shouted. Edwards spins quickly. “Never skim an Erginger!” Klopp intones harshly
Edwards meekly puts the knife down “Well, its your lucky day Jurgen, I’ve found you another gem to recruit if you agree”
“OK tell me, we need to introduce some new blood next window”
“This one is well under the radar like your Heinkel bombers were during…………oops sorry, sorry Jurg, I forgot myself. Anyway he’s a 21 year old 6′ 4″ centre back from Bolivia, play’s for his local team in a small town near Lake Poopo. His name is Jesus Alejandro Florencio Facundo de Alvarez but he wants to be known as ‘JAFFA’ thankfully. Good with both feet, jumps like he’s on a trampoline and can run all day, lungs like a blue whale living at that altitude. The scout boys who went out there have been raving about him on the phone from Bolivia for the last month so I went for a face to face meeting with one of them that arrived home in hospital yesterday.”
“You said one of them Mike and why the hospital?”
“Stuart died in Bolivia sadly… snakebite. Jock’s in hospital with Machupo virus, nasty stuff, it’s touch and go but he managed to utter a few words before he lapsed into unconsciousness “Sign him, don’t let him get away boss,’ he croaked to me through his dry cracked lips, never fail to marvel of the dedication of duty everyone has for this club.” “That’s going to make for another sad presser then Mike, I’ll have a word with John and Linda see if we can’t offer some compensation”
“OK. I sent the black ops boys out with them as well to dig up any dirt for leverage and only hit the bloody jackpot better than the Special One playing on the Paddy Power App. Apparently the club is run by a German guy……”
” A German that’s interesting, do I know him?”
” Ha! thought that would get you Jurg old mate. So, this guy is the son of some German who emigrated there in 1945, don’t know why but some said there were SS connections.”” Connections with Super Sub? I don’t believe that”
” No, not Super Sub but you know……….Oh forget I said that just trust me, we can get a good deal with this one after we’ve greased the local wheels. We’ve negotiated a loan deal to last 5 years and if he’s good enough we pay them a fee of 50,000 boliviano and have offered immediately two old shipping containers to be used as dressing rooms and 20sacks of grass seed for the pitch. His agent’s a novice all he wants is a Lamborghini with a tank full of petrol, good luck with that on the Bolivian highways I say.”
There’s a knock on the door and Gini Wijnaldum walks in agitated “Ah, there you are Mike. I’ve just read through that contract and I’m not signing it no matter how many boxes of fucking Edam you are offering me, I want the UK living wage. You pay me properly and I’ll start knocking them in like I do for the national side otherwise its shield the ball, spin and pass backwards until I leave”
” What’s he talking about Mike?” says Klopp “Nothing Jurgen, nothing” and turning to Gini says ” Not now Gini come and see me in my office later and I’ll see if I can throw in some frikadellen”
Gini leaves the room muttering something about hating fucking German meatballs and Klopp says to Edwards “Back to the boy Mike, what does he want from this deal?”
“This could be tricky but not insurmountable. He wants us to buy his father 1000 hutches complete with Guinea Pigs. His father wants to open a chain of fast food restaurants called ‘Piguine-a-minute’. I suggested Hamsters to keep the cost down but he insisted saying, Hamsters were kids food or starters on the menu and anyway apparently its fiddly to gut them and not much meat left to skewer them afterwards. He’s asked for a 65” TV for his family and friends to watch him play so I did a deal at Curry’s electrical store for £100 down buy now pay later in 4 years time. In addition when he arrives here the boy wants to raise Alpaca’s so he has a career after football. I know of a farmer on the 4KK supporters site and I’ll have a word with him to see if he would give the boy board and lodgings and teach him how to rear them. Finally I offered him the weekly UK living wage. We’ll need to keep him away from Gini though “Klopp stirs himself from his comfortably numb state and rubs his eyes marvelling at Edwards at work even if the details bored him to death, “OK then Mike it sounds good if not a little Machiavellian, can’t wait to get him on the training field and see him in action.”
“Glad your happy Jurg, that should solve our centre back problem next season we’ll be up to our waist in the buggers. Now I need to go and deal with cloggie and his contract. See you later.” “Bye Mike.”
Edwards drains his Erdinger and leaves the office while Klopp applies some Nivea cream to his cheeks. 4ever red we are he mused.
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