View From the Farmyard
ARTICLE BY MICHAEL HARRISON
I had a long think while in the stables while inseminating Daisy my favourite dairy cow. Like to keep my hand in so to speak…………well, whole of my arm really. I digress sorry. As we are now deemed to be on a downward slope of stomach churning disaster I thought I would propose a radical plan to appease our plastic fans and restore our rightful place at the peak of world football.
It is obvious that FSG are penny pinching charlatans and only have thoughts of their own financial betterment. I mean who would only increase the stadium seating, fund a new state of the art training facility and have a net spend in the tens of millions by buying cut price players no other clubs have spotted. This being led by the miserly Edwards whose transactions are only surpassed by the well known financial nous of those playing in white in north London.
That now leads me to our inept and tactically challenged manager Klopp. The man is out of his depth and recently taken to imparting his Benitezesque rants to the press, the FA, UEFA, referee association and any other organisation who will never listen. Constantly lying to the fans about the passage of time required for injured players to return and loaning out others to his Teutonic friends and purchasing their cast-offs and worst of all only having a Plan A.
So with all that in mind, this is what I propose. Firstly the club must be sold to a Mexican drug cartel kingpin who will bite our hands off to be able to launder his hard earned money. The boss would have billions to spend and enjoy participating in that south American love of football with his very own team………in Europe that is. The ground capacity could be increased two fold by selling drugs in the surrounding streets and when all the locals have lost their properties to the ravages of addiction, raze the lot to the ground and hey presto! double the stadium size. Stanley Park could be used as an outdoor drugs emporium, with social distancing of course, as in the dead drop style of Cold War spying,
in order to bring in further revenue. He will bring in Hans-Dieter Flick on a 5year £1billion contract with Guardiola as assistant and purchase Messi, Ronaldo, Neymar, Mbappe, Lewandoski, Sancho, Haaland, De Bruyne, Hazard, Coutinho (controversial), and that well known beefy centre forward Tyson Fury (he’s well tall) to play alongside Salah and Mane and in addition the entire back ten from Burnley for defence (that of course includes their mids and attack). A goalkeeper will be bred from a Gorilla and an Orang-Utan. I have experience of this kind of thing down on the farm so I know its possible with todays genetic breakthroughs. Those players who don’t want to participate in our project will probably not walk again let alone play football so no fear of them not signing for us.
So there we have it, new owners, new management and a brand new unbeatable team, subtle safeguards put in place of course to be sure we are not beaten. No longer will you hear the cries of FSG out and Klopp out. The only sad thing is that the owner would never be allowed in the country to celebrate our success…….. but that’s never bothered Chelsea fans. No longer will they call Scousers bin dippers because like the Naples Mafia the owner will buy up the entire city’s recycling business and infiltrate the Unions and then every Red Scouser will be a bin owner. That’s what you call progress.
If this proposal, which I am expecting to be excitedly and wholeheartedly embraced on other sites, meets your own ambitions for the club’s success, let me know.
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